I planned to be walking right now, but I’m sitting, somewhat frozen.
Since having children I’ve had this fear. Of death. Dying. My death, my husband’s death, my children’s death. I try to rationalize this fear by convincing myself that everyone must feel this way sometimes, right? Don’t we all consume ourselves with death sometimes? Maybe not. Maybe it’s just me.
So the fear part — where does it come from? It comes from my utmost respect for time. You can’t buy time, you can’t measure time without explaining it relevant to other things, you can’t get back time and you can’t accurately predict time. And yet…it’s what births us, guides us, governs us, and takes us away. I hate cliches…but timing really is everything.
So what does all of this have to do with New Years’ Resolutions? Here goes… I resolved to get Lydia to her speech class on time (which is 11:30). Today we left our art class at about 10:55. I had to pay still, so I stopped by the office to do so. I got back in the car and was determined to get Bryce to sleep before we arrived at speech class because he slept very little last night. It took him a while to fall asleep, so I drove around until he did. I went past the school a few blocks, then headed one block west and hit a light. I contemplated going another block west, but looked in my rearview mirror and noticed he was asleep. I decided then to make a right turn because I feared bringing Lydia to her speech class late. So I made the right, made another right, made a left, and turned into her school. I parked my car, got out, heard a horrible screech, looked up BAM…BAM AGAIN! I witnessed an absolutely horrible 3-car accidents…about 50 feet in front of me.
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Had I not resolved to be on time to speech…had I not taken that right turn, timing-wise, we would’ve been in that accident. No doubt. My children and I could’ve died or been seriously injured a few blocks from my house. It’s the middle of the day, the sun is out, a light breeze. I will assume nobody was drunk at 11:30 am (although it’s always possible) and there was a huge car accident right in front of me. Always be careful on the road because you never know when something like this can happen. And if you or your loved one is unfortunately involved in a car accident, then you might want to contact a car accident lawyer buffalo ny for legal help.
We are all governed by time, but none of us should be governed by fear…or cliches like “it always happens when you least expect it” because something like that makes me think “then I will always think about death so I’m always expecting it.” There have been times when I have plans and think of not going for fear that something will happen. Sometimes I even thoroughly convince myself that if my husband goes out alone, I will never see him again.
I hate to do this, but I have to reference Paula Deen. I was watching a biographical show about her recently, and she was discussing her agoraphobia. She basically said she was so afraid of dying, that she stopped living. I cannot do that. I feel horrible for the families in the rollover accident today. I truly hope everyone is okay. There was a mom with her little girl, and they got out of the car with minor injuries and were able to talk to a personal injury attorney. Several other people were carried out of their cars on stretchers. The reality is — one day my time will end, my husband’s time will end, my children’s time will end. But I can’t constantly dwell on it and fear that it will happen now… because ‘now’ will quickly be a past that I didn’t live.
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Remember to stop. breathe. be grateful.
Carrie this is so true! I wrestle with this fear as well. I actually have a big problem with sending my family in a car without me. If anything bad happens to them, I want it to happen to me too. Isn’t that awful?! I try to temper these fears on a daily basis, you are definitely not alone.
Thank you, Alicia, for commenting. It is really nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. I tell people who are planning a family that you really never know what you will experience emotionally once you have children. I feel the same way about us all being together if something were to happen – I need to get over that fear so I can go to SoFab Con by myself! 🙂
Amen, girl. I used to suffer from horrible insomnia because I was so afraid of dying in my sleep that I didn’t want to go to sleep. But death is an inevitability, so I just try to live my life as best I can and try not to think about it ending. 🙂
Thanks for responding, Jodi! I never know where the line is between rational thoughts and irrational thoughts. Most of the time, I think it’s reflected in our actions… even if I think up some crazy things, I know not to act upon them. I try not to limit my children or Richard because of my own fears, but that isn’t always easy to do.
I’m not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of leaving my children mommyless. I remember when my girls were small and we traveled a lot thinking “at least we’re together” whenever we hit turbulence. I’ve not flown without them yet but I know when (if?) I do, I’ll probably be a wreck!
It’s so hard to feel that balance where you are not constantly paranoid, but you are cautious. I’m hoping in time I can find it. Thanks for the comment/support. It’s nice to know others feel a similar way.