Since becoming a mother, I have this crazy paranoia. I’ve heard lots of other mothers talk about it, so I know it’s not just me. Here are just a few examples of what I go through everyday:
Someone is going to back their car up in a parking lot and hit one of my children
Someone will break into my daughter’s bedroom while she is sleeping and kidnap her.
If I leave the house and choose to take the highway over the streets, we’ll get hit by a car.
If I leave the house and choose to take the streets over the highway, we’ll get hit by a car.
My husband will get in a car accident if I kiss him one extra time…or if I forget to kiss him.
If my sister talks to me on the phone while driving and it is raining, she’ll die.
If I go to a playground with both kids (but without my husband) someone will be kidnapped or injured.
If I go out for a ladies’ night, I will somehow die and our children will be motherless.
If I go early to something or leave late for something, messing with the timing will have some sort of horrible impact.
The list is endless. I also fear that the one time I forget to be paranoid, that’s when something bad will happen, so somehow my paranoia protects me. It’s constant and nagging and makes me question myself everyday. But it also reminds me to try to appreciate each day. When my kids start to drive me crazy, I take a deep breath, look at their beautiful faces, and smile…maybe even laugh a little with them.
So then there’s today. My family, Jamie (sister), and some other friends went to this funky craft event downtown. It sounded like it was going to be really cool, and it was alright, but there were too many of us to really enjoy it (Although I bought a scrap of fabric for $3 that I really like. Need to make something awesome with it!) Anyway, so my sister thought it was going to cost money to park there. Instead, she met up a friend at a Burger King downtown and left her car there. The friend parked her car at an FAU parking garage nearby, and they walked to the event together. We left the craft fair shortly after arriving and went out to eat dinner. We hung out for a while, and when we left, Jamie asked if we could drive her back to the BK parking lot. Well, lo and behold, her car had been towed. We had to drive to a rougher part of town to get the car, and it cost her $100. She cynically said something like “This is the karma I get for giving a homeless guy a dollar this morning.” But maybe it is…
You see, after we got her car and drove off, we had to get my husband’s car from our friend’s house, which is somewhat out of the way from where we were. As we got closer to his house, we saw 20+ cop cars and a regular car that was all smashed up. I don’t know exactly what happened, but it didn’t look good. Traffic was all re-routed, parts of the road were blocked, an ambulance, etc. Perhaps Jamie’s $1 ‘gift’ to the homeless guy bought us time since we had to go to the bank and all that to get the $100 to give to the tow company. Perhaps it cost her $101 to save all of us. Because maybe, if we had dropped her at BK and gone home, we would’ve been dangerously caught up in all that was going on. I may not believe in a traditional god or follow a religion…but I never claim to be fully in control or understand the master plan, now I actually consider signing in the AWKNG School of Theology to try to understand it.
I don’t know if something greater than us moves us to do certain things. I must believe that something greater than us created us (even though I do believe evolution plays a role) for anything to make sense.
So who am I to say that my sister didn’t pay $101 for her family to live today? If so, small price, good karma.
Thank God you guys are ok. I do believe in a Creator that has a master plan. And I can tell you that He does things that don’t make sense to us, like getting your car towed. It annoys us at that point in time, but you were fortunate to see why He possibly got you car towed. Sometimes we won’t ever see or know why certain things happen in our lives. I don’t know why my mother died when I was 10, but I trust God has a good reason. At the time, I didn’t know why God had me give birth at 28 weeks in a different state, but I see the blessing of having two miracles I get to love on everyday.
I think evolution happened to a certain extent. The bones of humans from years ago prove that. I don’t think we evolved from monkey though.
As far as the paranoia you have, I get those thoughts sometimes, too, and I’m glad I’m not alone! LOL I thought I was the only crazy one. But these thoughts don’t bother me for long because I have peace in God and He’s in control.
Well never park in a towing zone. I don’t understand why someone would do such a thing. I drove a Taxi in New York for a short while and saw many people get towed and yes it made me paranoid. Even today going to the beach I want to park in a safe spot. God is to busy too watch over parking spots.
Tony
For the last 10 years I was an atheist. I was convinced man’s destiny was entirely controlled by ourselves and what we’re born with. I believed people used God as an excuse for their shortcomings and inability to handle real life tragedies head on. I still agree with that last part to some extent. However, I have come to realize “we” are only 50% of it. I wont use the term “god,” rather ill say the “universe” but its basically the same idea. At 27 years of age I was convinced that I was going to spend the rest of my life with Mike because I was in love with his girls too much and saw myself as the only thing good in their lives. I was fighting my own destiny. I was refusing to see any of the writing on the wall. At 28 I changed. I tried very hard to fight the change, but I was no longer in control. Everything in this universe was forcing me away from that mess. And after the break up, change continued to occur. It was as if a firewall was lifted and all these positive people and experiences came to me. Some were short lived, but each taught me a lesson and taught me to believe that I can’t control my life and I can’t save everyone. My life is guided entirely by faith right now. Aside from a few life lines, I have basically let “the universe” take my hand and lead me to where I’m destined to be. If and when things don’t work out for me, from here on out, I won’t experience the same guilt and self hatred I once did. I am at the best I have ever been and in some ways, if something’s meant to be it will be. This is very much against the way that I was raised and some days I do get angry, but I find consolation in messages and signs from nature and shortly after my energy changes. All I can do is be my best and hope the best comes back to me, that’s all. As for my former step daughters who don’t deserve any of what they’re regularly put through, I have faith that the universe has a plan for them and that somehow, in someway, it won’t always be this way for them. As for prayer and meditation, its become a regular habit for me, just as it was when I was 18. Only this time, when life improves, I am going to continue to pray; if not for me, then for others. 🙂