So…I’m not sure if this post will be incredibly brave or incredibly stupid, but after much contemplation (you know, like 21 years), it’s time to write it.
I have what most would call ‘The American Dream’. An exceptionally amazing husband, a beautiful daughter, a handsome son, a single-family home, three dogs, two cats. My husband is a teacher, I obviously work from home, and it’s as if everything in my life just sorta fell into place fairytale-style.
Except it didn’t.
I wrote at great length about my true love story just over a year ago, but that only begins to tell my personal journey. It gets a lot more complex than that. Because here’s the real truth. The truth about how I was born over 36 years ago.
I am bisexual.
Okay, so I’ve never in my almost 6 years of blogging right-justified anything. But it’s time to do what feels right. So, physically, it’s on the right. And doing what’s right is really scary. Because now I’ve opened myself to your judgment. Judgment I’ve always sensed even if it hasn’t always been stated.
“Ugh, that’s disgusting.”
“But you’re a mom with kids.”
“Wow, can you be any more opportunistic?”
“You’re never satisfied, huh?”
Sexuality is not about sex. Sexuality is about how a person is born. Sex is about the choices a person makes. I was born to find beauty in people, not in the body parts attached to people. All people have the potential to be attractive to me. That’s probably hard for most people to understand. I have learned to realize how amazing it is that I’m fortunate enough to find beauty in all people. I recognized this about myself when I was around 5 years old. I actualized this about myself when I was 15 years old.
When your identity is so outside of the norm, it can be extremely challenging to embrace. You battle yourself… a lot. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be like everyone else? What does this mean about my life and the person I may be one day? At times, I may have silently asked for a lobotomy to remove this portion of my brain. It all becomes very self-sabotaging.
So part of my reason for writing this is to be my own advocate. Because if you’re straight, that’s the default. It’s what we assume everyone is. You don’t need to state this to anyone. You simply feel attracted to the opposite sex, date, get married, have kids, the end. No need for an explanation. And if you’re gay, you get to have a big ‘coming out’ party, and even if you’re shunned by family or friends, there’s a huge community waiting there with open arms to invite you in and accept you.
And then there’s me.
My sexuality has become somewhat of a joke or a party trick. And I’ve allowed it to be such. Hell, I’ve invited it to be such as a way to safely express myself. If it’s a joke, then I can always say “Just kidding!” and laugh away my inappropriateness. But I can do that no longer as it’s not really a joke. It’s my identity. And I want to claim it for once. Because nobody’s identity should feel embarrassing or secretive. This is how I was born.
The next logical step in your thinking may be… “Okay, so this is who you are, but why put it on your blog?” This is a difficult question to answer, but I can probably start by re-sharing a recent post: Huppie Mama is a brand. I am Carrie Wells. I began blogging because I love to journal. This was a new way to document my life. Amazingly enough, it also became a phenomenal source of income for my family, even making me the breadwinner in my home. But this year, I also want to reclaim it as my journal. It’s horribly frightening to think that by sharing this piece of my identity, brands may not want to work with me anymore. That my followers may hate me. That my peers may judge me. But I cannot allow who I am to ruin me anymore.
My identity is mine to finally love.
Unfortunately, society has taught me that my identity and desires are immoral, unattractive, sinful… and my response is generally to be less affectionate toward others and less accepting of myself. I want to break this. I want to feel comfortable loving others and loving myself. Beyond comfortable, I want to be excited about loving others and loving myself. I simply want to be. I deserve to be myself more freely. Perhaps writing this is my first step.
My hope is quite simple. When I started this blog, it was to find my community. My species. People who thought like me and both loved and questioned the world in a similar way. I’d like to find that here, too. I know most people won’t identify with this, and those who do are probably like me and too ashamed to discuss it publicly, so if you want to drop me an email or send me a Facebook message or connect with me in some way to just say “Hey, I get it!”, please do so. Because I often feel like I exist in this world alone or just in my head. And it would be lovely to know that others exist here, too. In limbo with me. And if you have questions about yourself or me, feel free to ask those, too.
We should never have to fear our identity.
(And now the scary part – I have to hit ‘publish’. And take this world that has only existed within my head and within my close relationships and put it here for all of you to see. I hope I’m ready for this. 2016…You’re already a bitch, but I love you for it.)