And I wasn’t happy when you returned…again!
I remember when I wrote this post, back in June 2010, how awful I felt. I almost felt like a failure. Perhaps something I did or did not do caused this to happen. I wasn’t a *real* breastfeeding mom. I messed up somehow. And part of me feels this way again.
I noticed that I may be ovulating about 2 weeks ago. Maybe it was nothing (although I was extra cautious during intercourse). I also noticed that my nipples were tender. Maybe it was something Bryce was doing. Maybe he was teething. Well…Maybe I was in denial. Because it happened. Today, April 26, 2012, when my breastfed son is just 7.5 month old.
Bryce is a very different breastfeeding baby than Lydia. Lydia latched on perfectly the first time in the hospital, and I never had any issues with her breastfeeding. She was a very on-demand baby. There were plenty of times when I fed her every hour on the hour, at home, in public. She nursed frequently, but for short periods of time. She was 8.5 lbs at birth, and only now, at 2.5 years old, is she triple her birth weight (that supposedly happens at a year). Bryce would rather be held and walked around than breastfed. I had some issues trying to get a good latch at first. Even recently, I still don’t feel like he has a great latch sometimes. With Lydia, I began dabbling with solids when she was about 5 months and started doing homemade purees by 6 months. These were regularly-scheduled meals. With Bryce, he still only has maybe one “meal” a day. Sometimes it’s just a few bites of what we’re eating or a modified version of what we’re eating. I’ve given him the baby whole milk yogurt, too. He has not had anything to drink but breastmilk – from the breast. I haven’t pumped in almost 4 months (and only did so maybe 5 or 6 times total before that). He took a bottle one day his entire life. They also both slept with me and nursed throughout the night, probably on average every 1.5 – 3.5 hours.
So part of me feels like I’m not the bed-sharing, breastfeeding, all-natural mommy I claim to be because I got my period back even earlier this time. This is also a reminder that I’m not getting pregnant ever again, I’m going to have to actually worry about when I can and cannot have sex, and eventually my babies will grow up and go off to college…okay, now I’m just making myself cry.
Maybe I should get that nice haircut I was thinking I should get. Maybe this will be a rebirth of me. Or maybe I’ll just allow myself to be sad, since that is what I am feeling now.
So that was all written last night. It was really hard for me to fall asleep, and I started crying several times. I am sure all of these emotions are a combination of how my hormones are making me feel physiologically and what having my cycle again actually means. I want to celebrate life today. Think I’ll go to a you-pick farm with the kids. We can pick fresh produce and enjoy being outside. I’m hoping this helps me to feel better. And maybe I will get that haircut.
And one more follow-up:
Spend some time outside with the kids? ~ Check!
New haircut? ~ Check!
Accepting the fact that I will have my period once a month for the next 15+ years of my ife? ~ Still working on it, but feeling better
Realizing how blessed I am two have two amazing, beautiful children? ~ CHECK!